Hanging on to You
by theblacklister23
Summary: Ressler's thoughts race as he is hung by Braxton's team. "This is the end" he thinks, and for once in his life he's not ready to go. *Extended scenes from the second half of season two focusing around Liz and Ressler* Each chapter will go along with the corresponding episode from that week.
1. Chapter 1: Hanging on to the Past

_A quick Blacklist ficlet on Ressler from 2.09! I really loved the scene when he hears the gun get ready to shoot him so I wanted to write this so we could see what was going on in his head during the time he was in the factory. If you didn't see it you should! This is going to be really short, FYI. _

_Xo- theblacklister23_

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Fear; an unpleasant emotion caused by belief that something is dangerous.

Donald Ressler was a man who didn't endure fear quite often. There were those times as a child he would fear the unknown. Or the times when he was on the job and feared for other people, but he never feared for himself.

He was swaying there, neck strung by a noose, trying to accept his impending death. Beside him were two people who were in worse shape than he was, and all around him were many dead casualties. He was there silent. Fear for once in his life was trying to succumb.

He pained, no doubt about it, but this was more an uncomfortable situation then painful one, at least for now until they tighten the noose and raise him by it.

He had just watched his partner almost choke and break her neck when she was raised by the metal chains.

He just saw an innocent woman be shot to death for doing _nothing._

He was starting to panic. What would happen next? His breathing was becoming heavier. It was becoming more of a struggle to stay still and keep his balance on the tiny brick his feet were barely touching.

"Calm down" he told himself… "Distract yourself"

He tried thinking about the times when he was a young boy scout. He remembers all the fun times. All the times he would bring home new badges and see how proud it made his parents.

He remembered when he graduated top of his class at Quantico. He was so excited for a new part in his life. His dreams of becoming some top agent were coming true.

He remembered when he met Audrey. He was at a friend's party and she was there. She turned his world upside down, and was the best thing that had happened to him in that point in his life. They were inseparable. Their proposal, their life was perfect, four years together. Until the day she left him because of Reddington…

He remembers the day Reddington turned himself in. He was in shock. The man he had hunted for 5 years had just mysteriously turned himself in. The whole situation enraged him at first. Now looking back at it, it is one of the best thing that has happened to him. This job was his everything especially with Audrey's death.

He missed Audrey, but he feared he would see her soon, on the other side. He wished he didn't have to. For the first time in a long time he is not ready to go.

Liz. He worried about Liz. Where she was? If she was still alive? God he hoped she'd make it. She deserves to live more than anyone here. She has such a good heart, she is the reason he doesn't want to die. Not now. She showed him the light when his life was pitch black. She showed him that he wasn't alone when he felt like he was in an empty room. She cared for him when he didn't care for himself. He fell she picked him up.

He wished she would come in here and shoot these fucking guards and get them out of here.

He wished he could have one more conversation with her over coffee in their office.

He wished he could make her laugh one more time, with his cheesy jokes.

He wished he could hug her in his arms one more time like he did when she was taken by the Stewmaker.

He wished he could have her talk to him one more time and he could tell her how terrifying it would be to live without her too.

He wished he could apologize to her for being such an ass. God why did he have to be such an ass to her sometimes? She brought out the worst in him…but she was the only person to bring out the best in him.

He wished he could compliment her one more time. She was such a good agent and deserved to know that.

What was she doing right now?

He heard from behind him a terrifying sound. The sound of a gun being loaded and ready to be shot at his head.

He lifted his head and accepted it. He accepted his death. If now's the time, it is the time.

He swallowed hard and closed his eyes waiting for it and could only think of one thing. Liz.


	2. Chapter 2: Hanging on to Her

_So I got a lot of positive feedback on that one shot, and I wanted to continue this story. I am not sure if I will stop after this chapter or if I will continue one shots on here from episodes. This chapter is a one shot from after the first chapter. It is when Ressler finds Liz in her dream with Red at Braxton's place and he freaks out, and then takes Liz into his arms. Enjoy! –theblacklister23_

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"Hey! Hey!" Ressler yells to try to get their attention. "What the hell are you doing to her?!" Ressler yells. His voice become more concerned not understanding what is happening to her. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!" he yells "Get her up!" he's greatly worried about her safety. "Wake her up now."

"Not now" the woman firmly says raising her hand at him.

What was Reddington doing to her? Was she okay? She looks asleep…is she awake?

"Reddington! REDDINGTON!" He shouts, fear taking over him. He needs to know what's happening to her.

"It's not safe" the woman responds.

What's not safe? What's happening to Liz?

He's panicking now fear that had been hidden deep within his body now becoming exposed to the surface and he isn't hiding it very well. The built up fear from hours of countless searching for Liz is pooling out. He sees she's alive but he is so confused and worried to what she is doing. What _he _is doing to her.

_I will fucking kill you Reddington if you hurt her._ He thought

Liz starts to move. Her face shows she's deep in thought of some sort. It as if she isn't in the room. Her body is there but her mind is elsewhere.

"WAKE HER UP NOW!" Ressler demands.

"Not now." The woman says, making him worry more. What could be happening that could lead to potential danger?

"Do what you have to do, and do it NOW!" He raised his voice even louder, he was not only demanding her to wake Liz up, he was begging her. He needed to see she was okay.

"wait…" the woman said softly. Ressler just stared at her with pure frustration. She needs to be woken up.

The room suddenly became tense and everyone including Reddington was starting to fear what was going on with Liz. She started moving more. She was leaning forward out of her chair, her head nodding side to side.

Her face was close to Reddington's and she was tensing up a bit.

"Shh" Reddington whispered to her. He was holding her hand. What was he doing to her?

She released his hand and brought it up in front of her face. Her eyes still closed but she was moving her hands in front of her face.

Eyes fluttering open, we all looked at her in disbelief. Was she still asleep and her eyes were open, or was she awake now?

She looked as if she was going to fall at any moment. As if she was being held onto gravity by a piece of thread.

She looked up to Ressler for a brief moment. She looked confused and scared. He wanted to take her in his arms and make her feel okay.

She looked back at Reddington in shock.

"You were there…." Was all she said

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Liz was deep into conversation with Reddington about her father. Ressler only caught bits and pieces.

"It was a waste of time" she said as he looked over the small ledge. "DON'T!" she yelled at him as he reached out for her.

Ressler sprinted down the stairs to her said and was there next to her within second. Helping her wrap the blanket around her, then placing her into his arms like he wanted to so badly the past day.

All day he feared for everyone's life.

He feared for Reddington's the morning they found out he was taken.

He feared for Samar's when she was struggling as they lifted her higher in the noose.

He feared for the man they were hung with, who was shot and bleeding to death barely hanging.

He feared for his own life as he heard the gun being loaded behind his head.

Most of all he feared for Liz. She was somehow stuck in the middle of this 'fulcrum' situation and had no choice.

Choices are what make up life and the fact she didn't get to choose this made her life much harder.

She was probably so traumatized by the flashbacks of her scary childhood. One can only imagine what happened that night.

Finding out Reddington was there was a big shocker. She didn't choose for him to be in her life. She had grown a relationship with him. They had a bond. She looked up to him as a father figure and it was all just a game to get some _object. _

He felt her pain radiating off of her body as he held her. She trembled as she walked. She was still shaken up by everything and will be for a long time.

He supported her as she went up the few flights of stairs, and escorted her out of the building. He brought her outside for some fresh air. She sat on the curve of the pavement and put her face buried in her hands and sobbed. He sat beside her and wrapped his arms around her pulling her close to his chest and she clung on to him for dear life. She was hanging on to him and he was hanging on to her.


	3. Chapter 3: Us Hanging in the Cruel World

_This shouldn't be happening…_ Ressler thought as Liz finished telling him about the harbormaster.

She stood there breathless by tears and fear and he felt that fear. He didn't want this to have to happen to her. He didn't want her to have to deal with this again. She didn't deserve it.

This is another reason for him to want to kill Tom Keen. She thinks it was for her benefit that he killed the harbormaster, but it _wasn't_. It was another manipulation. She thinks it was to help her get out of trouble…when really it's going to get her into deeper trouble in the long run.

The fear he had when she brought it up…. _Please tell me she didn't kill him_. He thought and his gut sank.

"I didn't kill him!" Liz spoke; he knew she was telling the truth.

Liz didn't need this in her life. Everything the past week that has happened with Reddington was already too much to handle. Their relationship was on the verge or breaking, and Ressler didn't blame her for being mad at Red. But this whole situation with Tom and the boat should have just been past her by now…but it was not.

He saw the tears in her eyes in the present as she told him, but what he also saw was the fear, the sadness, the regret, the disappointment…everything.

He just wished this could end for her. He wished that she could be living a normal happy life, the life she wanted with kids and a husband. A real family….the one she never had as a child. She deserves it….

He saw the will she had to become a mother since the day they met. He never had the will to have or want a family until it was taken away from him when Audrey died with their unborn child. She was pregnant for a month…their child was killed on his watch and he wanted more than anything when he found that pregnancy test to be a father. He knows now how it feels to have something so special like a family and have it ripped away. He sympathizes for Liz not only because he feels bad for her, but he feels the same way.

They are the same. They feel the same. They have the same values and that is why he has so much empathy for her. That is why he wants to help her as much as he can. He knows she would do the same. Yet behind all of this empathy, he has a love for Liz. A love no one knows about. He may not be in love with her yet, but he truly does love Elizabeth Keen.

He wishes that he could just hug her right now as the tears pool in her eyes, but he knows it would cross a line for her.

"I'm here for you, you know that?" Ressler says breaking the silence, he says it low so only she can hear him, yet it's only the two of them in the room.

"I know…and I am so grateful for that" she gives him a reassuring smile.

They go about the rest of the case and he sees her struggle. He sees the pain behind those blue eyes. He sees the fear of the unknown. He sees the anger at Reddington. He sees the disappointment in herself. He sees the loss for her once perfect life. Yet he also sees the knowledge of her knowing that he cares.

On the car ride back to the post office they park in the garage. Before they exit Ressler turns to her and they catch each other's eyes.

"I want you to know that you can trust me, and come to me if you ever need anything okay?" Ressler says placing a hand on her forearm.

"I do trust you…that is why I go to you…you're the only person I still have left in my life that I can trust with 100 percent certainty. You're the only one I've got" she said giving a weak smile.

"I know you would do the same, and you are all I have too. We only have each other in this cruel world." He said looking away from her gaze out the window.

"Speaking of the cruel world we gotta get inside and give Cooper the report." She said exiting the vehicle.

Ressler took a moment to think how glad he was that he had Liz before he got out. He then got out of the car and followed her back to the post office to go continue living in this cruel world, but together.


	4. Chapter 4: Hanging on to the FBI or Red?

"Some days it feels like that sweetheart…" Ressler says stuck between the large tree branch. The innocent girl sat in the back bad mouthing the FBI when at this point he didn't give a damn. Normally he would be the first to stand up for the FBI, but they are the ones who got him here in the first place. Not just stuck between this tree with a bunch of pre-pubescent psychopaths ready to kill him, but with everything.

He was injured because of the FBI, he was put on those damn pills because of the FBI, he lost Audrey because of the FBI…what good is there left in the FBI? Liz. Liz was the only good thing left that the FBI brought him. She was his only real friend and he was her only real friend. They are all they had. And right about now she is walking away from the car putting herself in danger. If he could get his ass out of this car and get untrapped from this god damn tree he could go protect her. But he has to stay in the car with this little girl.

Her blue eyes look up to him and all he can think about is that he could have been a father. He could have been a father if it weren't for the FBI…

Then it flashed before him he was being dragged by a quad, tied up and dragged through the woods. What the hell was happening? He could hear Liz's voice in the distance yelling his name but he couldn't respond.

They drag him off to who knows where and tie him up in some dark hole. He can hear voices, he can hear screams…he hears terror and he thinks about Liz once again. Liz is alone now out in those woods. He saw them kill that cop, so now it's Liz vs. the woods, and he's hoping that Liz wins this one.

Not too long after he hears a voice. A familiar voice. A feminine, soft like silk voice. A voice that's asking for him. He looks to the door and then next thing he knows is he is being thrown across the ground to look up and find her. The look of relief not only on his face but on her face too makes him feel safe, as weird as it sounds. He is with her.

He sees Liz loosely tied and casually trying to untie herself. He creates a small distraction. Their eyes meet so she knows what he's going to do. Before he knows it Liz has the shot gun and they are aiming it at these freaks. Then who other than the FBI turns up and 'saves the day' or so they say.

Liz and Samar go up to find the man dead. Everything about this day is getting creepier by the second.

When they found all of those people dead in that church, something hit him and he saw the look that Liz gave him there and instantly knew she felt the same unsettling feeling. Everything about this day was unsettling…

Then once again…Liz tries to be the hero. For once can she just stop? He knows she has to…but he _can't lose_ her too. Not like this…not to the FBI. She walks to the van with the man in it who is about to set off the bomb. "No" he quietly whispers to himself

He sees the tears in her eyes when she tries to talk to the man. He takes a step forward and is stopped when a shot is fired. "Shit" he says looking down slamming his eyes shut.

He realizes that it was in Liz's direction he looks up saying to himself, "No. God no, please let her be okay"

He lets out a breath when he sees Liz unharmed. Thank god.

He walks up to her without hesitation now. She has her hands over the dead man's eyes. She is shaking her head. She obviously was hoping to change something, but sadly the thing she didn't realize is that these boys like this one in particular, they were too damaged beyond repair…

He walks over to her and says, "You okay?"

"I will be" she sighs

"C'mon let's get outa here" he says to her

They walk back to the SUV waiting for them and both hop in the backseat while two other agents get in the front. They drive in mostly silence until Liz breaks it.

"They were all _just kids_" She says, he knows she always has a soft spot for children. It saddens him that her chances of becoming a mother were taken from her when her life was taken from her by her awful husband, who Ressler can't think about without wanting to find him and kill him.

"Kids with the power to kill… they may have been kids Liz, but they knew what they were doing…" he says

"This world is a sick place" she says shaking her head as they arrive at the post office

"Sick indeed…" he says following her out of the car. They part their ways, he goes to talk to Aram who is flipping out asking him if he is okay while she goes to their office.

Moments pass and she comes out looking beyond pissed. She leaves and then following her exit minutes after she leaves, Reddington exits their office. This guy…

This guy has hurt Liz emotionally and physically and he has had enough of it. He is why she has to deal with all of this _shit. _This man makes his blood boil. That poor woman has to live that awful life because of him. It's because of him she is in deep shit with the law. It's because of him she held Tom hostage. It's because of him Tom turned out to be false. It's because of him that fire happened. It all leads back to him.

If he didn't come in to the FBI none of this wouldn't have happened. It's not the FBI that does everything and turns everything to shit and death…it's because of Raymond Reddington.

He got shot protecting Reddington…not the FBI

He got put on pills because of Reddington not the FBI

Audrey got killed because of his past trying to find Reddington not the FBI

He gets put in awful situations every week because of Reddington not the FBI

But it is because of Reddington he met Liz…and it is because of Reddington that he has her in his life and that is one think he can thank Reddington for….the only and last good thing…


	5. Chapter 5: Hanging on to my Weakness

He walked away tears stinging in his eyes. He couldn't tell her another time how wrong she was. She knew it but he had to keep telling her. He had to just tell her that it was wrong. He couldn't put words together to why she shouldn't turn herself in for this crime.

Boy Scout Ressler would have already turned her in, but that guy was long gone. No memory or regret that he wasn't the same man he was.

He walked to the SUV and got in and let out a sigh. He wouldn't cry in front of her. He didn't want to show the weakness.

The only person who could weaken him to this state. The only person who he could trust. The only person he could go to. The only one to save him from himself. The only person he had that he cared about in his life. The only one he could love _left._

_I've already lost the only thing I've ever loved_

He remembers those words he said many moons ago. Liz even confronted him about it. Of course he lied, he was Boy Scout then…it was true. It still is true. Hey, it's even truer now than it was then!

_I can't lose the only thing I have left to love._

Liz. He wished he could have just stop ranting about how wrong it was, how wrong she was! She was wrong…so wrong…he wished he could have just said, "Liz this prospect of living without you is terrifying"

So similar to his sarcasm from months ago…but so serious now.

He was so upset he wanted to yell, scream, and break a window…but most of all he wanted to cry.

"I need her" he whispered to himself, fists on the steering wheel and forehead leaning against it face down, eyes closed.

He felt a tear drip out of the corner of his eye. He just couldn't stop it. It was one of those inevitable things, you tell yourself internally, "_Don't cry"._ You spend so many moments in life telling yourself not to cry, then the pressure just explodes. It just needs release. He needs air. He looks up out the window, tears in his eyes, but it's too dark for anyone to see.

He is startled when he feels the breeze from the cool February air being blown in the car and he looks to find Liz hoping in the passenger seat. Her eyes blood shot, with tears spilling over mirroring his face.

"I'm sorry…I'm so sorry" she sobbed as she sat in the seat. Face in her palms sobbing. Why was she apologizing to him?

"Liz…please don't cry…please don't" He said softly placing his hand on her back rubbing it up and down.

"Why are you crying then Ressler? Why did you have to make me feel like this? Make me feel like I shouldn't be locked up for life? Make me feel like I shouldn't die...I should…I deserve nothing but to be dead just like that man I let die in my presence." She looked up tears still running but she had a much cooler tone with him.

He couldn't form words to match what she was saying. Confessing to him that all she deserves is to die. After just saying he wasn't taking her pity party because he has enough of his own pain…the only thing that is causing him pain is her right now. Breaking his heart…into tiny…so tiny and so many little fragile pieces after she put it back together.

"I'm sorry that I actually care what happens to you Liz. I am sorry that I don't want another person I care about _so much_ to end up dead as well. I'm sorry that the only person I have left can't see that I care this much…I am sorry that you can't see this Liz..." he said looking at her with the same amount of pain.

"You shouldn't care about me. I am not someone who should be cared about" she spat out.

"You don't get to choose who you care about. You have no _control_ in that. I have no control. I'm sorry I said it. I just want you to realize before it's too late that while you may think that your decision affects you, and only you…it doesn't it affects me more than you think. You are the _only_ one I have left. If I lose you too Liz, to something like this…I couldn't live with myself without at least trying to have you see my true feelings for you. I hoped maybe after hearing that you would realize maybe you cared about me a little more than leaving me here alone while you continue to feel sorry for yourself. While you continue to contemplate your death when you could be living. Liz this is no way to live. I can't live another second without telling you that…you have saved so many lives and one of those lives is mine…I'm not going to allow yourself to think you are some awful person when in my eyes after all of it, at the end of the day you are still the best person I know." He said softly at the end.

"I can't do this…I can't…" she said breaking again. She thought about his word choice of 'control' reminding her of Red's conversation of loving with no control…

_When you love someone you have no control…that's what love is._

She really loved Ressler and hated seeing him like this, knowing she was the cause of it.

"You can. Trust me I know you can. You have been through hell…the worst of it all already and you are still you. You are still the Liz I have come to know and _love_. You can get through this. You will and I will be there for you every step of the way." He said

"_Love?_ Do you love me Ressler?" she asked softly looking up at him.

_When was the last time someone told her they loved her? When was the last time she felt loved?_

"Yes. I love you Liz, so much…you can't leave me like this." He said almost begging her. She reached for his hand and squeezed it with her own.

This overwhelming feeling she felt of happiness and sadness all at once. She hadn't felt cared for in a very long, long time. She hadn't felt love in what feels like forever. All the love she ever knew was false.

For the first time in a while Liz didn't tell herself not to cry, she just let herself weep. He pulled her to his chest and rubbed her back.

"What's wrong? I'm sorry that I said that…I shouldn't have…" he said

"No…no...please don't regret saying that…it's just I haven't felt cared for in so long…and it makes me feel so happy…but I have never really known how it felt to be loved. All the love I thought I knew turned out to be…fake…now I know…now I know…" she wept in his chest. "I love you too, Don" she said looking up from his chest.

They both drove to their separate homes, well his apartment and her motel. They for once felt loved from so long of only feeling hate and underlying feelings towards one in another being kept secretive.

They went to bed knowing that their relationship would be taken very slowly. They wanted each minute to last together. They knew they had forever together. They would only have forever together. It would be a while before Liz or Don would ever kiss or do anything else, but just knowing that there was another soul that actually and genuinely cared about the other soul.


	6. Chapter 6: Hanging on to being Open

"Undercover?" Ressler asks when Liz tells him she is going undercover to get Red back.

"Yes, it's the only option" she said shaking her head with hands on her hips.

"Do you realize how dangerous this is?" he asked, silently freaking out that she is going to some mysterious party undercover as someone she is totally not.

"The moment something goes wrong, you will be there, I know it and you know it. So stop worrying, I will be fine" she says giving a small smile.

"Maybe I should go with you" he said firmly

"Ressler, I don't need you to go undercover with me as my date…I promise you that you can take me out on a date when this case is over…" she smiled, "Deal?"

He laughed, "Deal" he smiled

"Stop worrying!" she says walking away

He just shakes his head, she can tell him not to worry but he will.

The next time he sees her is at the hotel. She struts through the front door looking like a million bucks. She looks…beautiful. Well she always does, but the way her hair is pulled back and the fact that she isn't wearing all black she looks breath taking. He really should be paying attention to his paper and not looking suspicious basically checking her out, but she just looks beautiful.

She starts walking toward the elevator and says the number out loud for him to clearly hear. Hearing her voice he quickly snaps into full gear. She enters the elevator and her runs after it….but he misses it.

Damn it.

He hops in the next one and Samar tells him they are going to a lower level.

"A lower level?" he questions

He presses on those elevator buttons like it's his job and he races to find her. He meets with Samar in the garage and sees the number was a parking spot and it is empty. They took her. They took Liz. They took his Liz.

At the Post Office they interrogate this guy who worked for the hotel. Ressler basically wants to cut his throat because once again they took _his_ Liz. Ressler is pissed. Beyond pissed. He is madder that he let Liz go on this mission by herself, without him there next to her. He is pissed that he missed the elevator. He is pissed that he let Reddington go there and now he has to clean up the mess and go and get them both.

After hours and hours of endless searching they found the location. When they got there, there was a little boy running out of the snow in a tux. He was out of breath. I walked up to him and he said that a woman with brown hair and blue eyes from the FBI told him to run as fast as he could after she saved him.

Liz had done it again…god he couldn't think of a time where he loved her more.

All of these people she saves…and she still believes she doesn't deserve to be innocent…

They walked inside the building and set the people who needed to be free, free and the people who needed to be put away, put away.

He saw Liz walking behind Red who was basically walking away from her. He saw the pain in her eyes. She looked beautiful though in the dress, but even beauty can't hide true pain.

He walked up to her and handed her an FBI jacket.

"Thanks" she said softly

"You okay?" he asked, trying to keep his cool when really all he wanted to do was hug her because she was alive.

"I will be…" She sighed

"What's the matter? Liz I know you, I know when something is bothering you…." He said looking her in the eyes.

"It's him…I save his life and he is mad at me." She said with her eyes getting teary eyed

"I don't think he is mad at you Liz…" he sad

"Yes, Ressler he is mad at me. He is mad because after he told me to go…after he accepted his fate…I changed it…" she said shaking her head. Tears still in her eyes but she wasn't going to let them fall.

"Liz…" he said

"I shot the guy who was about to blow his head up. When the guy loaded the gun to his head Red said my name. He said my name wanting it to be the last thing before he dies…Don…I don't know!" she said as the tears fell.

She called him Don. She has never called him Don….

"Liz…he obviously cares about you a lot…I mean he treats you like you're his daughter. He would do anything for you…" Ressler said

"That's the thing, he told me before he wasn't my dad…and I find myself…._wanting_ him to be wrong. _Wanting _him to be my dad. I need that. I needed to know who my father was my whole life and when I found him, everything changed…for the worse…but then for the good. I finally felt like I knew who I was like I knew where I came from…and now he's mad" she cried out. "Everytime I say something about him not caring about me he _never_ speaks up. He never does and sometimes I wonder if he actually does. Is this just one way. Am I just a game for him with the fulcrum? He even told me…he even threw it in my face that I was afraid to lose him because once I give him the fulcrum he will go. He didn't even try to stop and say he wouldn't go! I need him to tell me that. Sam is dead…he was all I had. I feel like I have known him my entire life and now he's gonna go too…" she weeped, "I have nobody"

He pulled her into his chest as she cried. "You have me, Liz. You always will…I know it's different but I will _always_ be there for you"

"I know and I _love _you for it…I really do Don" she smiled.

They hadn't talked about their confessing of loving each other from last week so hearing the word 'love' roll off her lips warmed his chest.

"What do I do?" she asked wiping the tears away as she pulled away from his embrace.

"I think you should tell him how you feel." He said taking his own advice. Last week he told himself this way too many times.

She nodded. "I think his car is still there" she said and he nodded as she started to walk away.

"Hey Liz," he said calling her name, "Text me when you get home safe" he said

She smiled thinking that he was being incredibly cute and that she loved it. She nodded and walked out to find the car.

She saw it and was filled with emotions and entered the car.

After an emotional night for Liz she finally got home after spilling her thoughts to Red, who once again didn't even return the gesture…

She didn't even say goodbye as she exited the vehicle. She walked up to her hotel and placed her bag on the bed. She laid down still dressed in elegance and grabbed her phone.

'**I'm home :)' **She texted Ressler

'**Good, how did it go with Red?'**__Ressler replied quickly.

'**Well…I told him that I cared for him and realized that nobody has ever done anything nice for him b4. Then made him say thnx because he obviously doesn't know how to say it. And once again he didn't return by saying he cared for me…so the car ride included me crying while I looked out the window and he did nothing…'** she typed as the tears continued to form in her eyes.

_The bastard_…Ressler thought.

'**Srry if I am bothering U'**__she quickly typed back

'**Not at all…I am glad you want to talk to me. I just wish I could make u feel better. Maybe he is just not as good as sharing feelings as you are…'**__he offered

'**Raymond Reddington not open to sharing opinions? I think not…That is the worst part about it.' **She typed

'**But it's u…when has he ever been upfront with u?' **Ressler typed

'**I know…I know…haha…I'm a profiler and he's like the 1****st**** person I can't read…'** she typed.

'**So what r u saying…you can read me? Haha' **Ressler typed and Liz had a smile on her face with this one…should have seen it coming.

'**Remember Asian porn? From like two years ago when I gave u ur profile?' **She typed and he laughed out loud.

'**Yes…how could I forget? Haha, but really other than that part you had it pretty correct even back then…I mean I didn't even know some of tht stuff then but u did'** he said

'**I know more now tho…'**__She typed….

'**Like wht?'** he typed

'**I know that I want that date ;)' **she typed and his heart nearly exploded

'**Good because that's what I want too' **he typed with a goofy grin on his face.

The two stayed up till passed 3 am texting. It felt good to have someone to actually open up to...for both of them.


	7. Chapter 7: Hanging on to our Office

"Wait where's Keen?" Ressler asked Aram when he finally returned back to the Post office after a crazy day with Reddington.

"She's still at the court…" Aram said, "Doesn't look too good, I don't really know much thought"

_Shit._ Ressler thought.

"Cooper is there too; last I heard they were talking to him next. They had Liz in the Judge's Chambers for hours…" Aram said

Ressler didn't even answer him he walked away and went to the only place he needed to go to get away, their office.

Their office was like a safe haven for the two of them. Liz had confessed so many things in there to him and he had told her so many things in there to her.

This dark, cool room was filled with light and warmth when she was there. It made it less dull and more alive. She was the light at the end of the tunnel for him, and if Tom Keen's mistakes are going to block that tunnel…he doesn't know if he can live like that.

This office was filled with confessions…

"_The prospect of having to live without me…must have been terrifying…" _

"_It was"_

It was filled with comfort…

"_I think he's gonna leave me…no...Go, you have dinner" _

"_She'll understand"_

It was filled with concern…

"_I want you to get help"_

"_I can kick this on my own" _

It was filled with truth…

"_Uptight…Fueled by an inner rage…capable of the occasional moment of tenderness…"_

"_What you did today was good work…"_

"_I like you…I respect you"_

It was filled with laughs…

"_You're right…I was amazing"_

It was filled with forgiveness…

"_Look, I've been thinking about what I said in the car..."_

"_In the taxi, in Warsaw…I came at you pretty hot…" _

It was filled with having each other's back….

"_It's Reddington…the source is Reddington…" _

So much has happened here. So much has changed. There is no Ressler without Keen and there is no Keen without Ressler.

He sat down in her chair. The chair across from his. He thought maybe it would comfort him.

Her chair wrapped himself in her scent, the warm smell of her perfume filled the air when he sat there. He closed his eyes and imagined her there with him.

He hoped that everything was going okay for her. He hoped she got out of this. He hoped maybe they would just ask him something so he could get her out of this mess.

Where ever Reddington was, he better be doing something good. If it wasn't for him there would be no Tom…there would be no harbormaster…there would be no murder…there would be no trial.

The way he treated Ressler today was disrespectful.

Yes, Red doesn't know that Ressler knows what Keen did.

Yes, Red doesn't know that Ressler has lied and would lie again for Keen to superiors.

Ressler just wants to help. He wants to be there for Liz.

He feels like he has to compete with Red for Liz. He doesn't want to, he wants at the end of the day Liz to come to him, not Red.

How many times has Liz gone to Red?

How many times has Liz told Red she loves him?

How many times has Liz lied for Red?

She has done that all to Ressler…is it different? Yes.

He wanted to call her. He wanted to see her. He wanted to run to her.

He was distracted by his thoughts when a knock came at his door.

He looked up and it was Cooper.

Cooper saw that he was in Keen's desk, but he didn't say anything. He knew that they had a complex relationship more than just partners. Cooper walked inside and shut the door.

"How did everything go today with Reddington's_ plan?_ Cooper asked referring to the abduction.

"Uh, fine" Ressler said

"I apologize for having to put you in that situation, but all that matters is Elizabeth" Cooper said

Ressler noted how he called her Elizabeth with him…when did he ever call her Elizabeth?

"I understand, um how did things go?" Ressler asked not knowing if he was to know what was going on or not but he figured _what the hell?_

"Elizabeth was in the judge's chambers all day…I was brought in and asked a question afterwards as well…this task force is in danger and so is Elizabeth's innocence…I hate to say it but our fate lies in Reddington's hands…" Cooper said leaning on his cane.

Cooper had been so much more laid back around the task force and had his guard up for the rest of the world. Something was going on with him but nobody knew.

Ressler just nodded, he didn't want to give anyone the chance to doubt him. All the superiors believe him to still be the poster boy FBI agent, and he would like to keep it that way. If they ask him they would have no doubt in his answer if he ever were to be questioned about Keen.

"Where is she?" Ressler asked trying not to be too forward.

"She was on her way here...she should be here soon" Cooper said

Nobody knew that Liz still hadn't left the parking lot of the now closed courthouse. Her forehead lied against the cool steering wheel as the hot tears streamed down her pale cheeks. She sat in her cold Mercedes and cried.

Cooper ended up leaving Ressler and walked up to his office and shut the door. Ressler didn't see him the rest of the night.

Ressler figured he would wait out for Keen. It was now 8 pm and she still hadn't got there. He figured she just went home. He decided to text her.

"**Hey, just figured I would see how u r doing. If u need to talk let me kno. –Don"** He typed

Her phone was still off from being in the courtroom all day.

He picked up his warm coat from his chair and then some of his files and shut the light off then left.

Aram and Samar were gone, and Cooper was locked in his office. Ressler got into his SUV and drove away.

Liz finally got herself together and returned to the office. Why was she there at 9 pm? It was better than a cold motel room…at least in the office she felt like she was with her partner even when he wasn't there. She walked over to his seat and sat in it. She took in his cologne and looked on his desk and compared it to hers.

Their desks didn't have pictures of loved ones like their other co-workers had. Their desks didn't have notes from loved ones or Knick knacks from loved ones…nothing

They were the only loved ones they had and their presence was enough to feel loved for an eternity. They were each other's framed family photos, they were each other's notes, they were each other's Knick knacks from loved ones. They didn't need the materialistic things to feel loved by one another when the other wasn't there.

Liz slumped down in his chair and picked up a pen. She started tapping it against her lips nervously. She didn't know what to do, where to go…it was terrifying.

She thought to herself screw it and got up, put her coat on and left.

She drove and didn't really know where she was driving until she got there. A familiar location, she had been there only a handful of times. She unbuckled her seat belt and walked up the stairs inside the building. She knocked on the door '4B' like it was only yesterday she was there.

The door opened and Ressler was revealed in a sweatshirt and flannel pajama pants. Liz was a little surprised he didn't sleep in a suit…

"Liz, are you okay?" he asked

_Shit I was crying_

"Uh…I…uh..." she couldn't talk, where were the words?

"Here, come inside" he said opening the door wider. The lime green coat room looked the same and opened to the same beige room. Liz stepped inside, still shaky and nervous and he took her coat from her and hung it on the coat rack, like she was staying.

The other times she was there he didn't hang her coat up, it was laid on the back of the couch. This time it was just hung on the coat rack…

He sat on his couch where he probably was before she got there. He had a beer on the coffee table…on a coaster…she laughed at that last time. He sat on the stiff, gray couch that looked as if nobody ever sat on it and she sat next to him.

"Want something to drink?" he asked

"No thanks" she said quietly

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked

"My life is a joke…the judge probably doesn't believe me…he looked at me as if I had 5 heads…" she said shaking her head. "Raymond Reddington turns himself in to me someone who had never worked a day in her life in this field, my husband turns out to be a fake, my dad died in a fire that had something to do with some object that I hold…my mother died somehow…my adoptive father was besties with a criminal…IT SOUNDS INSANE!" She laughed

Ressler laughed

"What do I do?" she said weakly… "I lied today…I did what I thought I had to do…I told them I killed Tom when he had the gun to my head…but I didn't. I lied under oath and I just don't know what to do?"

"For now…just stay here…" he said

"Ress, that's not going to change anything" she said

"I'm talking about tonight, just take things one step at a time…right now you look exhausted. You should sleep. Here take my bed, I'll take the couch" he said sitting up

"No…I think I'll head out…" she said

"No you're gonna stay here because it's 11 pm and you're exhausted. Besides we both know that hotel room isn't going to offer you any comfort…" he said laughing

She just smiled at that one because she wasn't going to argue.

He gave her a pair of sweatpants and an old tee shirt to sleep in. She laid in his bed wrapped in his masculine scent. She almost wished his warmth was in there with her. She looked up at the ceiling and thought; _I'm in Ressler's bed…_

She closed her eyes inhaling his scent and fell asleep more relaxed that she had been all day, just taking one step at a time.

Ressler lay awake on the couch and wished that she could be okay. He needed her to be okay. If she wasn't okay he wasn't okay. It was as simple as that.


	8. Chapter 8: Hanging on to Home

He walks back into the Post Office feeling utterly and completely _defeated_. There were only two people in the world that he had learned that could make him feel defeated. Himself, and Tom Keen.

Yes he barely knew Tom Keen, or who Tom was supposed to be. After everything he did to Liz…after the hell and manipulation she was put through it took a toll on him. He ached for her. His partner

"_She's my partner!" _

Tom Keen left him feeling defeated because there was nothing Ressler could do to heal Liz's pain from Tom. Also because she may love him still…and Ressler loves her. She may love Ressler….but she may love Tom Keen as well…and he feels defeated by that.

He sits there leaning back in his chair. It's déjà vu. He's alone…and the last time he felt this isolated and alone and defeated he took a pill… he hasn't since then…but his partner rescued him...and now it was his time to rescue her and he _couldn't_.

He was drowning in a pool of guilt and defeat. He needed her to be okay. If she wasn't okay he wasn't okay.

He traveled the world with one of his greatest enemy for Liz to meet his other greatest enemy.

For Liz.

It was worth it…oh so worth it, but it didn't work.

Helpless…

Defeated…

It would be so easy to go get some pills. He could just slam his thumb in a door…or call his doctor and say his leg is starting to hurt again, say it's those phantom pains they warned him about….

"_I want you to get help"_

"_I can kick this on my own"_

He couldn't even bring himself to think about the pills anymore never mind taking them after reminding himself of that promise. He couldn't break that promise. He wouldn't. Not to her.

Once again he looked over to her chair…wondering if he would ever see her sit there again. Hear the way she called his name…the way she would give him little touches, like a pat on the shoulder or a hug….the smell of her floral perfume….would he ever see her again?

The trial was probably finishing up now. He looked at his watch and read the time, yup just finishing. He pictured them putting his innocent Lizzie into cuffs and walking her out of that court house to a prison.

He thought to himself…

_I can't kick anything on my own without you Liz…please come back to me._

Her own words being thrown back at him…

"_Prospect of having to live without me must have been terrifying"_

"_It __**was**__" _

_Liz this prospect of living without you is more than terrifying…it is earth shatteringly an awful, scary, helpless feeling. _

Red now understood. Ressler didn't even have to say anything to him besides, "She's my partner!" to him for him to understand. Ressler now knew Red understood…but what's that good for now.

Emotion filled his eyes when his watch showed the hour. It was over. It was done. She was gone…gone to a place of no return. She would be known as a murderer for a murder she didn't commit.

The tears streamed down his eyes. He placed his face within his hands as the tears uncontrollably fell.

He tried to tell himself not to cry, but couldn't help it. He couldn't stop these inevitable tears.

He didn't hear the door open.

He didn't hear the footsteps towards him.

He didn't hear the breathing next to him.

He didn't until a warm hand was placed on his back. Through the sweatshirt and button up flannel he felt the hand. He felt the hands warmth and knew instantly who it was. His heart stopped beating for a minute. Was this a dream? He had dreams like this where Audrey came back to him…but this wasn't Audrey. He knew who it was but was afraid if her were to look up she would be gone into the air like a speck of dust.

"Ress" the weak voice said and crouched down to the ground so she was leveled with his seat.

He turned his head to see her cloudy, tear filled blue eyes. Oh those perfect blue eyes he loved so much.

"You're here?" he questioned

"Tom came…" she said, "You did all that…all that for me" and her tears started to stream

"Liz you don't know how happy I am to see you, to hear your voice…I thought…I thought you were gone for good" he said pulling her into his chest tightly.

"Ressler I am so sorry to bring you into this" she cried, "But thank you so much, if it wasn't for you I wouldn't even be here in this office" she cried

"Liz…whatever you do…wherever you are…I don't care…I am with you through good and bad." He said pulling apart just a little to look at her face. She just sobbed more into his chest. She was so overwhelmed with today's events…Cooper, the dick of a judge, Wilcox making her feel bad, the look on the daughter's face…oh she cried…she cried so hard into his strong chest. He held her from falling.

"It's over, Lizzie…It's over" he said, "Shh, you're okay….you're here…and that's where you belong"

"I belong with you" she said pulling apart to see him.

"You do" he said nodding, "You are a part of me Liz"

"You're my home" she said wrapping her arms around him tightly.

Their relationship was filled with words…but the actions spoke louder than words…

He pulled himself from her, cupped her face, and kissed her. He was home. She was home.

Lips gently at war with each other. The caress of each other's tongue against one another's…it was perfect. Completely perfect. The rest of the world didn't matter in that moment.

Throughout both of their lives, they were lost. Never had a place where either of them belonged. Always looking to find their destinations. What was their destination? Liz had a teacher who told her once that her destination was always home. Whatever you were doing in life, it was to get to home eventually. Throughout her life looking for this 'home' she realized home didn't have to be a place, it could be but there are homes that lie within people's souls. Her home was in Donald Ressler's soul. She found it tonight. She was slowly entering her home and wanted it to last.

Their relationship was taken slow, very slow but they knew that they would always have a home.


	9. Chapter 9: Hanging on to a Birthday

She had said that she wanted a date…he had agreed on one. What better way for a first date? It was her birthday. A big birthday. The first birthday without Tom…without her dad...she lied to him saying she was meeting up with old friends…he knows she was lying.

Normal first dates were not something that happened in blacksite offices but…they were not normal people. They were Liz Keen and Donald Ressler…

He placed the file box on the filing cabinet. He let her rant…because that's what he did he let her vent out to him because he knew and she did too but neither would admit that they are the two only people they have that allow themselves to vent to one another with no regrets.

Birthdays were weird things…most people would say they are getting older, which is true….but aren't we all just living longer lives? That is something to celebrate and he wanted to celebrate them being alive…there…together.

They sipped their wine in their paper cups like two teenagers finally drinking the stash of alcohol they stole from their parents.

"Red gave me this wine…well he bought it but it was kind of like from my dad…" she smiled at him. "My dad and I made this wine together when I was 8…we took the grapes from the vine at my house and we made it. I was so happy…we never got to drink it together…" she said holding the older bottle in her hand, "But this is kind of like a replacement bottle of wine for it…"

_Red bought her a replacement bottle of wine from her father's wine….Red is kind of like a replacement to Liz's dad in a way…_

"Well I'm glad that I was able to share it with you" he smiled sipping the expensive wine out of the cheap cup.

"Me too" she smiled, "This was the best night I have had in a while, Don" she smiled

"I am glad…" Ressler said, "It is for me too"

"I have to tell you a secret" she laughed

"What?" He laughed

"I gave Hudson up…my old neighbors from the house I lived with Tom in…they had a little girl and I gave them Hudson about 3 months ago" she laughed, "So I guess I don't one-up you on that one"

"Well than…at least we have each other left…" He smiled

"To us" she said raising her glass

"To us…together" he said tapping the paper cup with his.

"I lied too…I actually don't have any friends that would go out to dinner with me" she laughed

"Stop lying" he laughed

"That's not a lie" she said

"Yes it is…I'm your friend…and we are having dinner tonight aren't we?" Ressler raised an eyebrow at her sipping his wine.

"I was thinking we were a little more than friends…and this was a little more than dinner?" Liz raised an eyebrow back at him

"So is this finally the date we have been talking about?" Ressler asked

"Yes…" she smiled from ear to ear

"I will certainly remember it…." He smiled looking around their dingy little office…but it was perfect…because it was them.

They were the last two at the site…it was past 11 pm….just the two of them…just Keen and Ressler. Just Liz and Don. Elizabeth and Donald…the two of them.

"Thank you" she said placing her hand on his forearm across the table.

"Thank "Thank you" she said placing her hand on his forearm across the table.

"Thank _you._" He said

"So…do I get a birthday kiss?" She smiled with a twinkle in her eye.

With one quick movement he was up out of his office chair and picked her up out of her seat so they were both standing. He hand is arm around her back and the other gently placed in her hair, holding her there. He placed his lips softly on her lips and then with more desperate passion. He held her there in his arms protecting her from the harm...their lips danced with one another opening for more.

He pulled away leaning his forehead against hers. "I love you" he said for the first time since he first admitted it weeks ago in the car.

"I love you too" she whispered back into the empty space as her lungs searched for air through heavy breathing.

"Happy Birthday Liz" he smiled

She leaned up and kissed him again…

"You should get home…" he said

"Yeah you too…" she smiled

He didn't want to take things too fast he wanted this to last and move slowly...he still wasn't even sure what they were to each other yet….but they loved each other…

"Text me when you get in…" He smiled as he helped her put her coat on.

"Same goes for you" she smiled and turned to kiss him goodnight, "Goodnight Don"

"Night Liz" he placed his lips on her's one last time.

She left and he sat there in the office not even cleaning up the mess. There was paper cups on the table, Chinese boxes sprawled out but he needed to breathe for a moment. He had never felt so intensely about something or someone. Not even Audrey….he hated to admit it.

He sat down at his desk and cleaned up a bit. Then saw something he didn't like. A picture of Tom Keen's face and the name Jacob Phelps…saying 'missing' on the front page of one of the websites he had open. These people were actually looking for Tom…and Tom was probably going to go to Liz…

He dialed her cell…no answer….

He left a voicemail and then called the only human being who could get to Liz fast. Reddington.

"What may I help you with Donald?" Red asked

"Liz…People are looking for Tom and he is going to go to Liz… She just left an hour ago….how quick can you get to her hotel?" Ressler asked

"Why was she there so late?" Red asked

_Oh god._

"It doesn't matter….just get to her…I need you to please" Ressler almost begged

Red could tell how important Liz was to Ressler, "I can do that Donald, as a matter of fact I was on my way there too because I heard Thomas was out looking for some help too…" Red said

"Thanks…if I was closer…I would" Ressler sighed

Why did her hotel have to be an hour away from the post office and where he lived. She lived in the trashiest part of DC.

"Thank you for spending her birthday with her Donald…I have to go now…I think I am a little late to the party…" Red said hanging up.

_Oh no._


	10. Chapter 10: Hanging on to A Shot

"Ressler" she breathed weakly into the phone.

"Liz are you alright?" he questioned. He hadn't heard from her since this morning at the post office and she seemed a little off. When he called to warn her about Tom…she never responded. He assumed she was okay. She told him the next day that Red handled it. He was worried when he heard her like this. His first thought was to Tom. Did he hurt her?

"It's Red…" she said softly

"Liz where are you?" He asked worriedly

"I'm at the hospital…Ress-"

"I'll be there in ten minutes" He said hanging up.

He didn't even tell anyone at the Post Office anything. He needed to get to Liz to make sure she was alright. Something happened with Reddington….something she witnessed…something bad.

He drove without a thought of anything but getting to her side. Even if it was for moral support….he needed to get to her.

He walked into the emergency room to find Liz waiting in the hallway, sitting in a row of chairs with her head in her hands. She rose her head up and made eye contact with Ressler and the tense expression she had on her face was relaxed when they looked at each other.

He started walking fast towards her and she stood up. She met him halfway and when they were close enough she kept walking until her arms were tightly wrapped around his neck and she breathed a sigh into his shoulder.

He immediately wrapped his arms around her back and held her in his arms. He didn't notice at first but she had blood all over her jacket and arms. What happened?

"Ress….Red….he..." she said moving back a little bit but still gripping onto his arms.

He softly circled her sides with his thumb to try and relax her….but she looked as if she was going to break in any minute.

"Liz…sit down" he said

The two sat on the plastic waiting room chairs outside the hospital room, he assumed was Red's.

"Red was shot…he was shot…right in….right in front of me" she said swallowing after the last part. "I basically told him how much I _hated_ him and never wanted to see him again right before it happened…Ressler that may be the last thing I told him…" she said as the tears flowed out.

"Liz what happened to make you say that? Other than the obvious…" he said

"Tom….Tom….told me….Red….Red hired Tom and put him…in my life" Liz cried

_That son of a bitch_.

"Oh Liz" he said sympathetically pulling her into his chest as she cried.

"Ress…I don't know what to do" she said

"About what?" He asked, he wanted to ask her about Tom…if she was still talking to him, but that could wait.

"I care about Red…I know it sounds crazy…but he knows so much about me…more than myself and I feel like he's the father figure I never had…I mean for all I know I could be his daughter…" she shook her head. She removed herself from his embrace but still held his arms with her grip lightly. "It's insane…I know…you probably think I am crazy for feeling that way"

"No…how could you not? I mean he treats you like you could be his daughter…I despise the man…but deep down from working with him, he has proven that he actually has a heart…and can care about people." Ressler said

"He was going to explain…he was going to tell me why he did it…but then I yelled at him and gave him the fulcrum and got in my car to leave….then he was shot…he fell to the ground…blood…everywhere…" she said with tears still streaming down her cheeks, but not sobbing anymore.

He rubbed softly onto her hand with his larger one. "Liz it's not your fault…you didn't know…It was wrong of him to hire Tom…but I'm sure he will be fine…and someday….someday you will know the answers." He said

"I don't know if he's going to be okay…Ress he was shot in the lung…he stopped breathing a few times…blood was pouring out of his mouth and nose…he was hit bad…." She shook her head.

"Where is he?" Ressler asked

"In there…unconscious still from the surgery…I haven't seen him yet…I can't bring myself to going in that room…I can't the thought of seeing that man looking that weak terrifies me…it makes me feel sick." She said

"Where is Dembe?"

"He left…he had to go take care of somethings…I guess once again…my fault….they were supposed to leave the country to get him safe…but I insisted on meeting…" She shook her head, "It's all my fault" she breathed, "I may never know who I am…if he…if he dies"

"He's not going to die…Liz…I was shot…I'm still here" he said

"I don't know what I would do if you _weren't" _She said softly

He pulled her to his side and she wrapped her arms around his torso.

They spent the night together in that chair waiting for an update on Reddington. Liz eventually fell asleep against Ressler's side and he dozed off with her in his arms. This wasn't what and how they expected their first night sleeping together to be…but it was a start.


End file.
